Wedgie & Gizmo vs. the Toof Read online

  Oh drat! The girl named Jasmine and the dreaded Thorgi barge in. Double drat! They are followed by another girl and a small dog. I grunt with displeasure. One canine is bad enough, but two are most unpleasant. I plug my nose. Why must canines smell so horrid? Do they not understand the importance of bathing?

  JASMINE: Elliot, we’ve got new neighbors. This is Emily. She’s moving into the red house today. Emily, this is Elliot. Our parents just got married so he’s my new brother.

  ELLIOT: Hi.

  EMILY: Hi.

  JASMINE: Emily’s going to our school. She’s in my grade.

  ELLIOT: Cool.

  This human conversation does not interest me. I begin to make my escape, but Jasmine reaches down and lifts me off Elliot’s bed. The order form falls from my paws. As it lands on the carpet, Thorgi grabs it. I squirm.

  Stop him! I squeak. But Thorgi tears the order form to shreds. Then he smiles at me. Oh foul beast! How dare you try to stop my Evil Plans!

  JASMINE: Emily, this is Elliot’s guinea pig, Gizmo.

  EMILY: He sure squeaks a lot. Why does he wear glasses?

  ELLIOT: He’s nearsighted. If he doesn’t wear them, he bumps into things.

  JASMINE: Elliot, this is Emily’s pig, Pinkie.

  ELLIOT: How come Pinkie’s wearing a crown?

  EMILY: Because she’s a princess.

  What is this I hear? A princess? Is there royalty in the room? Well, it is about time the humans introduced me to someone worthy of my attention. After all, I am destined to be King Gizmo. Therefore, I should make other royal friends. Let me meet this princess.

  Suddenly, I find myself staring at a face, the likes of which I have never before seen. What is this creature? The skin is pink with little wiry hairs. The eyes are black and beady. And the nose, why, it is not a nose at all. It is a snout, with enormous nostrils. The creature sniffs me. And grunts. I shudder.

  Oh horror of horrors! I know what this creature is. She is a pig! The very same creature for which the humans have named me.

  Then I notice a terrible tooth jutting up from her lower lip. I am an admirer of teeth, but this particular tooth is crooked and much too large for her face. This creature needs to see a dentist immediately.

  JACKSON: Your pig has a funny toof.

  EMILY: Toof? That’s so adorable.

  JACKSON: I’m gonna call her Pinkie the Toof.

  ELLIOT: She and Wedgie seem to like each other.

  EMILY: They’re instant friends, just like me and Jasmine.

  JASMINE: Yeah. Instant friends.

  A crown is perched on the pig’s pink head. I was not aware that pigs have royal bloodlines. Even so, it does not change the fact that she is still a pig. When I host royal parties, I will not be inviting creatures who wallow in mud. I bite Jasmine’s finger so she will let go of me.

  JASMINE: Ow!

  Jasmine sets me into my Eco Habitat. I stick my head out the window and peer down at Thorgi. He thinks that just because he wears a superhero cape, he has the power to destroy me. What a fool he is!

  I smile to myself, for what Thorgi does not know is that I do not need the order form to get my Drone of Destiny. At the first opportunity, I will use the computer and place my order online.

  Muh-ha-ha!

  I crawl back into my sleeping chamber and curl up for my pre-supper nap. I am so very fatigued. The work of an Evil Genius is endless.

  IT’S ALMOST TIME FOR THE BUS. THE BUS brings Jasmine home. I LOVE Jasmine! It also brings Elliot home. I LOVE Elliot! It’s almost time. I wag my stubby tail. I wag some more. I can hardly wait. The bus makes me so happy!

  There it is! I hear the engine at the end of the street. I hear the wheels rolling.

  Hey, people! The bus is coming! I run in circles in front of the door. Round and round and round. My cape flaps. I’m using my superpowers to open the door.

  MOM: Wedgie, calm down!

  JACKSON: Wedgie, do you wanna go out?

  I bark and bark because I’m so happy. The door opens. My superpowers worked! I dart outside. Let’s go meet the bus!

  I dash down the walkway and wait by the gate. The bus is coming. There it is. I see it. It’s right down there. Do you see it, Jackson? Do you see it, Mom? The bus is coming. Here it comes. Closer. And closer. It’s almost here. I can see the driver. I can see the kids. Here it comes.

  The bus is here!

  The bus stops and the door opens. Jasmine and Elliot get off. So does Emily, the new girl. They all pet me. They scratch my head, my back, and my rump. I sniff everyone’s ankles. Elliot’s ankles smell like the bus. Jasmine’s ankles smell like socks. Emily’s ankles also smell like socks and like Funny Dog. Where’s Funny Dog? Can I play with Funny Dog?

  Emily waves good-bye and crosses the street to her house. I bark good-bye, then I herd Jackson, Jasmine, Mom, and Elliot into our house. It’s snack time. I LOVE snacks! And today the snacks are muffins. Muffins are soft, and they make crumbs on the floor. I LOVE crumbs! I start licking them up.

  Jackson’s got a muffin. It’s right there. Right in front of my face. Just sitting in his hand. It looks so good. I start drooling. That muffin’s the yummiest thing I’ve ever seen. I gotta eat it. I gotta eat it right now! I stand on my hind legs. Then I snatch it from Jackson’s hand.

  JACKSON: Wahhhh!

  MOM: Wedgie! Bad dog!

  JASMINE: Jackson, you can’t put your food so close to the ground or Wedgie will get it.

  JACKSON: But I’m close to the ground ’cause I’m little.

  ELLIOT: He’s got a point.

  Mom tries to catch me, so I crawl under the couch. Oh muffin, you’re so tasty. You’re so crumbly. I LOVE you, muffin. But Mom calls me Bad Dog again. I can see her feet. She’s waiting for me to come out. But there are more crumbs to eat so I stay under the couch. I stay under the couch for a long time because I know I’m in trouble. Hiding is one of my superpowers. Oh look, Furry Potato left a little poop under the couch. I eat it. I LOVE Furry Potato poop!

  MOM: Here’s another muffin, Jackson.

  JASMINE: Can I save a muffin for Emily? I’m so glad she moved here. We like the same food and the same music. She’s my new best friend.

  MOM: That’s nice.

  JASMINE: Oh look, Emily’s outside. And she brought Pinkie!

  MOM: Why don’t you go out and play with her?

  The room gets very quiet. I crawl out from under the couch. I sniff the air. Where’s Jasmine? Where are Elliot and Jackson? I sneak past Mom, then run outside.

  I found them! Emily and Funny Dog are here too! Hello, Funny Dog. I’m so happy to see you. I sniff her all over. She sure has a funny little tail. But wait. Everyone’s petting Funny Dog but no one’s petting me. I push against Jasmine. I squeeze between Elliot’s feet. I bark at Jackson. How come Funny Dog is getting all the pets? I feel bad. I whine. Pet me. Please oh please oh please pet me.

  JASMINE: Are you going to take Pinkie to the pet parade?

  EMILY: Definitely. It’ll be fun.

  JASMINE: I’m gonna take Wedgie. He got into trouble last year, so it’s really important that he wins a trophy this year. I don’t want people thinking he’s a bad dog.

  EMILY: Can Wedgie do any tricks?

  JASMINE: Uh . . . not really.

  EMILY: Pinkie knows lots of tricks. Sit, Pinkie. Shake, Pinkie. Roll over, Pinkie.

  Hey, why’s Funny Dog rolling around? And why’s everyone still petting her? I don’t like it when Funny Dog gets all the pets and scratches. Maybe Funny Dog should go back to her house so I can get all the pets and scratches. But wait! What’s that on the ground? It’s a dried-up, stinky old slug. I LOVE stinky!

  ELLIOT: How’s Wedgie gonna win a trophy if he doesn’t know any tricks?

  EMILY: Look, Wedgie knows a trick. He can roll over.

  JASMINE: He’s not rolling over. He’s rolling on something. Gross!

  I rub my back all over the stinky old slug. I feel happy again. Now I have the superpower of STINKY!r />
  Hey, people! I’m stinkier than Funny Dog. Pet me!

  DEAR READER,

  I am pleased to report that evening has fallen. Cavies are not nocturnal by nature, but I love the late hours. I am currently in the television-watching room with Elliot and the Elderly One. Thorgi is lying on the carpet, disturbing us with his snoring. Elliot has placed fresh greens on a plate for me. I nibble and watch a show called Wheel of Fortune. It is an interesting show. If the humans solve the puzzle, they are rewarded with treasures. They should invite me to be a contestant. The ratings would go through the roof!

  The current puzzle is:

  How easy, yet the humans on the show are confused. They lack my Genius Brain.

  Buy an E! I squeak. The Elderly One pats my head.

  ABUELA: Smart cavy.

  The Elderly One comes from Peru, the country of the Andes Mountains, where cavies roam free. It is also the place where humans eat cavies. I used to worry that the Elderly One would put me into her stew pot. But I have learned that she is a vegetarian, like me. When I rule the world, it will be against the law to eat cavies. Anyone who tries to eat a cavy will feel my wrath!

  I munch on a sprig of parsley and glance over my shoulder. I need to use the computer to order my Drone of Destiny. But at the moment, the computer is being used by Jasmine. She is watching canine videos. One canine rolls himself up in a blanket. Another rides a scooter. Another pushes a shopping cart. Those simpleminded beasts seem happy doing tricks for humans. Never will I do such things. Gizmo the Evil Genius does tricks for no one!

  JASMINE: Look, Elliot, this dog’s dancing. What a great trick. Do you think I should teach Wedgie to dance?

  ELLIOT: I think you should teach him to fly. You know, because he’s got that superhero cape. Ha-ha.

  JASMINE: I’m serious. He needs to learn something amazing to win Best Trick at the pet parade. Can you help me?

  ELLIOT: I’ve got other stuff to do. Besides, I don’t care about the pet parade.

  JASMINE: But I need your help. You’re supposed to be my brother! Come on, Wedgie. Let’s go to my room and practice.

  What’s this? Thorgi stops snoring and jumps to his paws. He follows Jasmine out of the room. What perfect timing. The computer is mine! I jump off the couch, waddle across the carpet, then I . . .

  jump onto a chair . . .

  jump onto a table . . .

  scurry across the table . . .

  leap onto a stool . . .

  then jump onto the computer desk.

  I sit before the vast screen. Unfortunately, typing is not easy for cavies. The keyboard is not made to fit our little paws. I stretch my arms toward the G and type Gadgets and Gizmos. I have to be careful that my tummy does not hit the space bar. I mastered the art of typing long ago when I lived at Swampy’s Pet Shop. At night, after the shop closed, I would sit at Mrs. Swampy’s desk and write letters to the editor of the local newspaper.

  After a bit more typing, the drone appears on the screen. How lovely it is. Once again, I imagine myself soaring across the sky, delivering my flyers for all cavies to read.

  MOM: Why is Gizmo tapping on the keyboard?

  ABUELA: He’s ordering something.

  DAD: Ha-ha. Guinea pigs can’t type. You have a very good sense of humor, Abuela.

  MOM: Elliot, please get your pet off the keyboard. He might go to the bathroom on it.

  DAD: And I think you should go check on your sister. You might have hurt her feelings.

  ELLIOT: I don’t understand why winning at the pet parade is so important to her. It’s just a dumb contest.

  I am about to click Buy This Item when Elliot picks me up. I wiggle. I squirm. Put me down! I command. But he continues to carry me away from the computer. Oh what a dreadful turn of events! He is carrying me into Jasmine’s room. I cringe. She will cover me in kisses!

  ELLIOT: Hi, Jasmine. How’s it going with Wedgie?

  JASMINE: I’m trying to teach him to dance, but he’s not doing anything.

  ELLIOT: Maybe try something easier?

  JASMINE: But easy won’t win. Come on, Wedgie, dance! We only have six days to learn!

  What is happening in here? The girl is shouting commands at the canine. The canine is ignoring her and chewing on a sock. When I rule the world, no canine would dare ignore me. All dogs will serve me! Should I need holes, they will dig them. Should I need to travel across snow, they will pull my sled. And should my human servants need exercise, the dogs will take them for walks. Oh what a glorious time that will be!

  I peer over Elliot’s fingers and glare at Thorgi. He is tearing the sock to shreds. Then he looks up and smiles at me. I narrow my eyes. He knows that my computer time was interrupted. This was part of his plan. He wants to stop me from ordering my Drone of Destiny.

  You will not stop me! I squeak.

  Thorgi is my archenemy, and he must go, once and for all!

  I shall get rid of him first thing tomorrow, after my mid-morning nap.

  HEY, I JUST HEARD ONE OF MY FAVORITE words.

  Beach.

  I’m so happy. I LOVE going to the beach!

  Dad lifts me into the car. I sit on Jasmine’s lap. I stick my head out the window. The wind blows on my face. We pass the grocery store. We pass the post office. We pass the park. But we don’t stop at those places because we’re going to the beach!

  JASMINE: Wedgie, get off my lap. I’m mad at you.

  DAD: Why are you mad at Wedgie?

  JASMINE: He won’t learn a trick.

  JACKSON: Ew, Wedgie stinks.

  MOM: He’s been rolling in something.

  ELLIOT: Yuck. Why does he do that?

  MOM: Dogs roll in things because they like to stink. In the wild, they cover their own scent to protect themselves.

  ELLIOT: Yeah, but Wedgie doesn’t live in the wild. He lives in a cul-de-sac.

  Why’s Jasmine sad? Why doesn’t she pet me? She didn’t call me BAD DOG. But she pushed me away. What’s the matter? How come she doesn’t pet me?

  We’re at the beach! Dad opens the door. I jump out before he can stop me. I run in circles. Round and round. Let’s go, people! Let’s go to the beach.

  Hey! Emily and Funny Dog are here. Wow! What a great day. Emily’s wearing her water suit. And Funny Dog’s wearing her funny hat. I smell Funny Dog all over. I really LOVE her!

  I run around Funny Dog. I don’t need my leash at the beach. Come on! Let’s go play in the sand.

  There are dogs everywhere. There’s a fluffy dog. There’s a spotted dog. There’s a black-and-white dog. We chase a ball. We chase a crab. We get our paws wet. We dig in the sand. Funny Dog buries her funny hat in the sand. How fun! I LOVE to bury things! But why is she tugging on my cape with her big tooth? She tugs and tugs. Does she want to play? Funny Dog is my best friend.

  I find a stinky clam, and I roll on it.

  Now we’re going to the Snack Shack. Elliot gets ice cream. Jasmine and Emily get ice cream. Jackson gets ice cream, so I sit close to him. I watch the ice cream drip down Jackson’s arm. I lick his arm. It tastes great!

  If I use my superpower of staring, Jackson will drop his ice-cream cone. I stare and stare and stare. I stare some more.

  I wait. I wag. I want that ice cream so bad! I stare and—

  He drops it!

  I eat the cone as fast as I can. It’s crunchy from the sand. I LOVE crunchy.

  Hey, why is everyone watching Funny Dog?

  JACKSON: Look, Pinkie the Toof can dance!

  EMILY: It’s a new trick I taught her last night. Isn’t she a good dancer?

  JASMINE: Uh . . . yeah, she sure is.

  EMILY: Maybe this will be her trick for the pet parade.

  JASMINE: Yeah . . . maybe.

  ELLIOT: Looks like Pinkie lost her crown.

  EMILY: That’s okay. I have a whole box of crowns back home.

  Hey, everyone. Stop looking at Funny Dog and look at me! I’m here. Here I am. See me. I’m chasing birds. Look at all those
birds. I’ve never seen so many birds. They’ve got little stick legs, and they’re running across the sand. They’re running in different directions. They don’t know which way to go. Silly birds. I’d better help them with my superpowers of herding. I run around and around the birds. Look at me herd! The birds try to escape, but I round them up. Now the birds are all going in the same direction.

  MAN: Hey! That dog’s kicking sand all over my towel!

  KID: That dog’s trying to eat those birds!

  LADY: Stop that dog!

  JASMINE: Wedgie! Come here!

  I prance back toward Jasmine. My cape flaps in the breeze. She’ll be so proud of me. Super Wedgie to the rescue!

  Jasmine puts on my leash and starts pulling me away from the beach. I don’t wanna leave the beach. I wanna eat more ice cream and chase more birds. I wanna play with Funny Dog. But Jasmine whispers in my ear.

  JASMINE: Emily copied our dancing trick. But we’ll show her. We’ll learn something better, right, Wedgie?

  Jasmine looks into my eyes. She smiles at me. She’s happy because I helped those birds with my superpowers. She knows that Super Wedgie will always help. I lick her face. I LOVE Jasmine!

  IF YOU ARE A GENIUS LIKE ME, DEAR READER, then you understand the importance of napping. Concocting all those Genius Ideas is exhausting. But imagine being an Evil Genius. That takes double the energy.

  Therefore, throughout the day, I must rest my Evil Genius Mind so it can recharge.

  My nap schedule is posted on my Eco Habitat’s front door.

  Gizmo the Evil Genius’s

  Nap Schedule

  7:45 Pre-breakfast nap

  8:05 Post-breakfast nap

  9:00 Morning nap

  10:30 Beauty nap

  11:45 Pre-lunch nap

  12:05 Post-lunch nap

  1:30 Afternoon nap

  3:00 Evil nap

  3:30 Snack nap

  4:45 Pre-supper nap